INTO THE DARK FORESTS

15 minutes ago we were laughing together, there was peace
Suddenly I approached a dark forest
So so dark the forest
I began to feel stuck
A numbness took over that was fueled with frustration and rage
I wanted to blame you for it and push you away
For that dark dark forest I felt
I wanted to shut you out of it
I wanted to escape

I was scared you might not want to go in there with me
With me into this dark dark forest of mine
So dark there
So sad

We were just eating our dinner at the restaurant and looking into each others eyes, there was ease, there was lots of light
A few minutes later, I approached the dark dark forest and you seemed now miles miles away
where are you?
Are you not here with me anymore?
I began to feel anger,
I wanted to kill
I wanted to escape this dark dark forest
I wanted to chop down all the trees.

Are you still here?

I have been running from my dark dark forests
And in times you've led me to them I have not been ready to go in.

Today it happened again
I touched upon the forests
A battle begun in me briefly
I could feel the adrenalin make it's way in.
This time I decided to let go of fighting and running away
I decided to honor this darkness of the forest;
So I said to you:  'I'm scared'
Scared that you may not want to go into my dark forests with me;
Something moved when I acknowledged that to you.
The adrenalin ceased.

By this point I was already entering in.
Soon enough I found myself lying in my dark forest in a field in the dark
A fetus I was
It was so so lonely
I cried and you held me
It felt like you were close by
For the next hour we walked deeper into this forest

I LET YOU ENTER MY FOREST
YOU LED ME DEEPER INTO THEM

We came upon so much of my pain
Such such young tension and grief frozen-up around the muscles of my heart
We shed such such darkness and pain
Whilst you stood right there with me

For the first time I let you inside my dark forests
For the first time I let myself go into my dark dark forests
For the first time I felt safe enough to let go of all protection and not avoid my dark dark forests.

I have been escaping these dark painful forests and this escapism has cost me dearly
No longer do I want to push you away and blame you for the darkness of my forests
Nor do I want to believe anymore that you are not equipped or have no desire to join me
On a walk into my dark dark forests.

It is time I respected these dark dark forests that live in me and visit them and lie in them.

This is a place where my healing takes place
My dark dark forests are where you and I learn to trust
In darkness
And dissolve all our pain.

This new upcoming time is a time of approaching these dark forests
And I wish you all luck with entering these forests and allowing others to be there with you, for you need support.

SEX WITHOUT MANIPULATION

What is sex really about for me?

When i was making love with my partner Jamie last night a powerful experience took place. Sex became about something different to me, about something much deeper. I realized how much in the past I've had/used sex to feel good. How sex has been a place/process where we do stuff in order to feel stuff - usually good stuff like pleasure. This is all great, but after at least 6 or 7 years of a quite active and great sex life I reached a point last night where merely having a good time was not enough. I dived into depths last night that revealed to me that actually sex is not so much about doing stuff, but about getting out of the way of doing! It's about giving space for the energy to do it's work, about letting the sexual river flow and open us up and heal us. This kind of approach to sex goes far beyond having a great time physically, this approach opens the soul to orgasm, not just the body. My heart opened up so deeply last night that it felt like I was fucking with generations of men and that I was many generations of women. Here in bed I was healing generations of pain between men and women. My heart was gently releasing such old tension and relaxing so deeply, and the pleasure was so so delicate, so powerful and so so deep. Ok, what does this actually mean in practice? What am I ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT? I am talking about dropping manipulation in sex. To me sex is not sex if there is manipulation. It's something else (and that i can talk about another time).

So what is sex really about for me now? Today it boils down to three main things for me:

1) SITTING IN THE FIRE OF OUR SEXUAL POWER: 

Pleasure arises from diving deeper into relaxation and contacting more of my own energy. SEX is actually the dance of sinking into the power of life's force through the contact to my own energy! It is feeling my own energy so intensely that turns me on and opens me up. Sex is like a permission slip to dive deeper into feeling my own energy and it's power more palpably. Relaxing into my depths and becoming comfortable with my power. So at this point for me sexuality is more and more being opened up by a deep state of relaxation, and the deeper, the more relaxed the deeper the pleasure. Instead of doing lots of stuff to feel stuff, it's actually become much more powerful to do less and be more present and give space to each others sexual energy to move and energise our bodies. Practically speaking, I want my sex-partner to be able to hold his sexual power, so when he is aroused I don't want him throwing himself on me. I prefer to feel how the sexuality builds in him and how present he is with surfing that wave without shutting down because of not quick enough sex. The man's ability to hold his own energy and enjoy his own energy without throwing it out, without escaping it by quickly needing to do stuff - to pleasure, to come himself, to space out and lose presence, etc - this ability for the man to be comfortable to 'sit in the fire' of the powerful energy arising in his body (and my body) is the main component for me to experiencing much much deeper sex. 

2) WOMAN, TAKE CHARGE!

So, when there is this comfort with the sexual energy and one can sit with the energy and let it build, there is space for me, woman, to take more charge. There's space for me to be more pro-active instead of always being the hunted animal which often puts the woman in a lazy, passive position. Last night I realised how often and how much of my sex-life I have gone along with the man's pace, the man's actions, and avoided dictating and guiding my own pace. What an empowerment to guide the man into me! To dictate how slowly or how fast, to show him how sensitive I am by bringing his energy into me, sinking him deeper into my energy so that he can really find out WHO I AM! I find there is always more depth once I allow space and give myself permission to say NO to anything that feels forced or pushed, out of tune with me. On the outside this kind of sex may seem like a less explosive/energised sex, as externally less is going on, yet inside our bodies SO MUCH MORE IS GOING ON. And, as this kind of sex is more relaxed and more physically (effort wise) subtle, I have found that sex tends to last much much longer. Going from 30min it will become 45min, an hour, multiple hours... deep, intense sex. This kind of sex becomes much more about unraveling the layers of bullshit that weigh us down physically and psychologically - shame, guilt, abuse, pain, the rage, the pressure - the sex goes so deep that all this has to begin unraveling and be released. That's why the bodies become more relaxed and less hung-up/in need to control. It's so pleasant and healing to have my partner relax so deeply and for this conditioning to fall away. Yes - this kind of approach to sex (life, actually!) can be full-on and intense and sometimes too much to stay with and it's easier often to cum than learn to relax the body and intensity, but I recommend you start getting to know your power deeply, forming a very deep relationship with yourself, as YOU is all you have. Once you are with YOU, the sex enters a much more powerful place.

3) LETTING GO OF MANIPULATION
So back to guiding the man into me; Once I, as woman, bring and guide the man into my TRUE energy, going at my pace, guiding him into my flow, once we meet there it may seem like WOW - I have never let a man in so deep! This requires a very conscious and present awareness - to connect and allow my true energy to flow and align with who I really am instead of who I have been or what I'm used to being. This may take some time. Trust may be needed and time as finding how your energy operates naturally without manipulating it is not always such an easy or immediate thing. This sexual reality is the dropping of manipulation. Instead it is the inhabiting of our power, permission to feel and relax into what we feel instead of escaping it and controlling it. Dropping of the need to alter what is true, deny what is true, hide what is true or avoid what is true.

Sex has become to me about the revealing and diving into my natural power. Sex is aligning myself to my true nature. 

 

Dissolving the shackles of money

Let's not use the system of money any longer to control and survive

Let's not rely on money any longer

Let's explore other forms of abundance

Let's

Believe that we can live in a world not only governed by money

Believe that we don't need to keep striving and fighting our way

to have bread and butter.

Believe in abundance not lack.

Enough is enough

Not a spoonful more

It is time

That we get our primary needs met without going against our nature

It is time we learn to know and respect what nature truly is -

the nature that our bodies are part of.

It is time that we start believing that who we truly are can be supported by the laws of of the earth.

Our fears of doom, pain and dying

can no longer dominate the earth

enough is enough

we cannot deny and escape feeling nature's vulnerability

we cannot escape it.

Keeping fears at bay by buying protection

Enough is enough

Our fears need to be faced

And we have to sit in the fire if we are to learn how to let go of such fear-driven self-abuse.

It is time to not settle for any form of domination, theft, abuse, deceit, control, manipulation.

Let's not manipulate much longer to stay in comfort.

Let's not use our judgments to control others much longer

getting our needs met by dis-empowering other human beings

enough of telling others how they should be

enough dictating demands

and using anger and aggression to threaten

enough is enough

it's time to sit in the fire

and face our discomfort and fears

it's time to heal the trauma of the effects of current and past power abuse

it is time 

to trust in abundance

not lack.

Raisa

The Terms and Agreements of the Sky

i stopped to look up.

and there was the sky.

i took some photos of the sky

it was so beautiful

so so beautiful.

i don't know what it is

that blows my heart right open.

often i forget all these blissful things that are around me.

i somehow disconnect.

from the skies, from the trees, from all those flying birds.

and when i open my eyes again at the stunning beauty

it feels like i am hit by a force of immense presence.

tears and laughter often come.

i sometimes even greet it as if with a friend i hadn't seen for some time:

'Oh, Hello Sky and Clouds and Light. However did you come to be so beautifully crafted?'

lift your head.

lift your head up to the sky,

and feel what happens.

i took some pictures of the sky.

the sky did not tell me that i wasn't allowed to take pictures of it.

it did not complain and warn me to not put them up on facebook or use them without it's permission, no.

have you read the terms and agreements of the sky?

did you not forget to tag the sky and those trees in your photo?!

when i look at the sky and celebrate it's magnificence i know that i have all the permission and freedom i need to do anything.

some of the most beautiful photos i have taken have been of the sky.

i have taken some beautiful ones of people too,

but with people there's much more hassle.

People's egos seem to be far too fragile when it comes to owning things:

MY photographs, MY idea, MY business, a photo of ME.

we are so concerned about our power being in the hands of others.

some sad things have happened when the ME boundary was crossed and ownership rights were violated.

Suddenly we owe each other apologies for using an image that they were in.

And we self-sabotage unity for a fake idea of security.

it makes me feel sad,

the things that we make and then fight over.

And it pains my heart and my chest area in between my ribs

the things i have felt i owned and fought to not let go of.

I look forward to a world

where people are not afraid of their ideas being stolen.

Where ideas are not private property but energy

that can be distributed and shared with affection

without constant permission.

I look forward to a world where people aren't competing to do the best and only unique thing

but rather know that they are the best for there is no other like them,

therefore they don't need to worry about other people trying to be like them.

I look forward to a day when everyone

has enough and is happy

with the knowledge

that one exists.

One cannot not exist.

I look forward to the day...

No

This is the day!

Today is the day.

This is the day that i look at the sky and appreciate what it gives me.

the unconditional power.

and learn how it benefits me,

So that i can take this knowledge and live the day that i look forward to

TODAY.

www.raisabreslava.com

3 Days in Barcelona

17/11/2011 - 21/11/2011

This was my first experience of Barcelona.

This was also an experience of accessing deep deep pain and also deep deep beauty.

These are some captured moments.

This was the building opposite our window.

I had never seen such a beautiful surface of a building before.

Too many buildings i find are focused on internal designs, few on external.

Whilst too many people are focused on their external designs and few on their internal.

This is me feeling happy in Barcelona.

This is me letting down my hair in Barcelona.

This is Jamie in Barcelona.

He looked at me taking down my hair and took a photo.

This is me taking a photo of Jamie.

This is one of the few i have of him.

He takes many more photos of me than i do of him.

This is us feeling silly in Barcelona

This is how we are most of the time.

We don't like to take ourselves too seriously.

We like to play, laugh, have fun.

And time to time we are very serious.

I think an essential part of our relationship is characterized by the diversities that we explore together,

and the eagerness we have to know oneself and the other.

To know who we really are.

It feels like here, in Barcelona, we reached a balance of responsibility and love.

This is us being sincere in Barcelona.

This is how it is.

I am not sure i have any secrets.

I don't think i have ever segregated or kept hidden that which is personal.

In fact, i don't believe that there is a set boundary upon which crossing things become PERSONAL.

I think it's an arbitrary distinction.

The way i experience it is that either I want to be seen or I don't.

Either I want to see or I am too afraid to look.

This blog for me is another attempt and form of looking at who I am,

and it is also about being seen in this process;

in this process of finding myself.

Each of us exist on our own.

The same way a piece of performance needs an audience, a photograph is taken to be seen and a book is written to be read, I have realized that we humans also need to be watched by the other. To be mirrored back to ourselves with who we are.

And this looking and being looked-at feels vulnerable.

Look into the mirror and see how it feels to actually look at that person in the mirror.

Look into your own eyes.

Instead of just looking into the mirror to check if your clothes look alright or if anything is wrong with what you see, just have a long look.

See how it feels to give yourself at least one minute of uninterrupted attention.

And also see how it feels to receive the attention.

Jamie naked in Barcelona watching himself.

If there is anything that i should not do i should probably do it.

If there is anything that i should not post i should probably post it.

This is a very yummy soup we ate on the first day in Barcelona.

It is made out of celery root.

This is how I ate my bread.

This is a dog in Barcelona.

I had a nice connection with this dog.

I felt sad and angry for the violation of a muzzle keeping it's mouth shut.

One gets a dog but then suppresses it to not be a proper dog.

We can't handle the power of some real things therefor we suppress their power and make them less real.

I am not in support of this.

I enjoyed this dog.

I apologize to this dog and to all dogs if by taking a photo of it i was invading or violating it.

Dogs choices are often taken away from them. And this might only be a very subtle example of such case. I guess it's part of the karma of being a dog.

I feel for you dogs.

This is a lane in Barcelona.

I stood and watched people walking in and out of this lane.

I was curious about the character of the lane, the light shining on it and where it goes or rather where it would take me.

After standing and watching it for a while i decided that i want to go in a completely different direction down a much different path.

It is something i have been doing since i have known myself. I would sit in primary school watching everyone else. I would watch them because everything seemed so unfamiliar, so peculiar. Things around me have always seemed rather complex and scattered and hard to understand from very early age. So i taught myself to watch things and make sense of what everyone is doing and where they are going and why.

I am fascinated with light. It just never stops astonishing me. Where ever i go i am curious about the primal dynamics of the light and darkness. I also enjoy placing things upside down and seeing what happens. Sometimes i find more interesting possibilities and realities this way.

Owls kept following us in Barcelona. This is one of them.

I have not much to say about this owl other then i like how it makes this photo interesting.

We took long beautiful walks. Lots of them.

And ate lots of great food.

And on the 2nd day we both suddenly encountered some old old pain and resistance.

It felt so awkward we were ready to run from each other and hide.

It felt like something was breaking open my ribs and pouring freezing cold and boiling hot water all at once into my trunk.

I despised Jamie for about an hour and experienced huge discomfort for another few hours until somehow i reached a place where i could experience the feelings for what they were. Be with them, hearing my body and hearing my breath. At some point it all begun melting and loosening up and the resistance broke apart leaving surrender to movement, tenderness and tears... But oh, how close i was to running away.

It is easy to run away from others. You just stop seeing them. But it never has quite worked for me to escape from myself. Maybe it's because i have been watching so much all my life i find it rather hard to ignore or shut my eyes on what is really going on even on a very subtle level. The prolonged watching has come with an accumulation or rather a development of heightened sensitivity, which i am learning to take care of and not run away from, but instead cherish.

www.raisabreslava.com