INTO THE DARK FORESTS

15 minutes ago we were laughing together, there was peace
Suddenly I approached a dark forest
So so dark the forest
I began to feel stuck
A numbness took over that was fueled with frustration and rage
I wanted to blame you for it and push you away
For that dark dark forest I felt
I wanted to shut you out of it
I wanted to escape

I was scared you might not want to go in there with me
With me into this dark dark forest of mine
So dark there
So sad

We were just eating our dinner at the restaurant and looking into each others eyes, there was ease, there was lots of light
A few minutes later, I approached the dark dark forest and you seemed now miles miles away
where are you?
Are you not here with me anymore?
I began to feel anger,
I wanted to kill
I wanted to escape this dark dark forest
I wanted to chop down all the trees.

Are you still here?

I have been running from my dark dark forests
And in times you've led me to them I have not been ready to go in.

Today it happened again
I touched upon the forests
A battle begun in me briefly
I could feel the adrenalin make it's way in.
This time I decided to let go of fighting and running away
I decided to honor this darkness of the forest;
So I said to you:  'I'm scared'
Scared that you may not want to go into my dark forests with me;
Something moved when I acknowledged that to you.
The adrenalin ceased.

By this point I was already entering in.
Soon enough I found myself lying in my dark forest in a field in the dark
A fetus I was
It was so so lonely
I cried and you held me
It felt like you were close by
For the next hour we walked deeper into this forest

I LET YOU ENTER MY FOREST
YOU LED ME DEEPER INTO THEM

We came upon so much of my pain
Such such young tension and grief frozen-up around the muscles of my heart
We shed such such darkness and pain
Whilst you stood right there with me

For the first time I let you inside my dark forests
For the first time I let myself go into my dark dark forests
For the first time I felt safe enough to let go of all protection and not avoid my dark dark forests.

I have been escaping these dark painful forests and this escapism has cost me dearly
No longer do I want to push you away and blame you for the darkness of my forests
Nor do I want to believe anymore that you are not equipped or have no desire to join me
On a walk into my dark dark forests.

It is time I respected these dark dark forests that live in me and visit them and lie in them.

This is a place where my healing takes place
My dark dark forests are where you and I learn to trust
In darkness
And dissolve all our pain.

This new upcoming time is a time of approaching these dark forests
And I wish you all luck with entering these forests and allowing others to be there with you, for you need support.

SEX WITHOUT MANIPULATION

What is sex really about for me?

When i was making love with my partner Jamie last night a powerful experience took place. Sex became about something different to me, about something much deeper. I realized how much in the past I've had/used sex to feel good. How sex has been a place/process where we do stuff in order to feel stuff - usually good stuff like pleasure. This is all great, but after at least 6 or 7 years of a quite active and great sex life I reached a point last night where merely having a good time was not enough. I dived into depths last night that revealed to me that actually sex is not so much about doing stuff, but about getting out of the way of doing! It's about giving space for the energy to do it's work, about letting the sexual river flow and open us up and heal us. This kind of approach to sex goes far beyond having a great time physically, this approach opens the soul to orgasm, not just the body. My heart opened up so deeply last night that it felt like I was fucking with generations of men and that I was many generations of women. Here in bed I was healing generations of pain between men and women. My heart was gently releasing such old tension and relaxing so deeply, and the pleasure was so so delicate, so powerful and so so deep. Ok, what does this actually mean in practice? What am I ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT? I am talking about dropping manipulation in sex. To me sex is not sex if there is manipulation. It's something else (and that i can talk about another time).

So what is sex really about for me now? Today it boils down to three main things for me:

1) SITTING IN THE FIRE OF OUR SEXUAL POWER: 

Pleasure arises from diving deeper into relaxation and contacting more of my own energy. SEX is actually the dance of sinking into the power of life's force through the contact to my own energy! It is feeling my own energy so intensely that turns me on and opens me up. Sex is like a permission slip to dive deeper into feeling my own energy and it's power more palpably. Relaxing into my depths and becoming comfortable with my power. So at this point for me sexuality is more and more being opened up by a deep state of relaxation, and the deeper, the more relaxed the deeper the pleasure. Instead of doing lots of stuff to feel stuff, it's actually become much more powerful to do less and be more present and give space to each others sexual energy to move and energise our bodies. Practically speaking, I want my sex-partner to be able to hold his sexual power, so when he is aroused I don't want him throwing himself on me. I prefer to feel how the sexuality builds in him and how present he is with surfing that wave without shutting down because of not quick enough sex. The man's ability to hold his own energy and enjoy his own energy without throwing it out, without escaping it by quickly needing to do stuff - to pleasure, to come himself, to space out and lose presence, etc - this ability for the man to be comfortable to 'sit in the fire' of the powerful energy arising in his body (and my body) is the main component for me to experiencing much much deeper sex. 

2) WOMAN, TAKE CHARGE!

So, when there is this comfort with the sexual energy and one can sit with the energy and let it build, there is space for me, woman, to take more charge. There's space for me to be more pro-active instead of always being the hunted animal which often puts the woman in a lazy, passive position. Last night I realised how often and how much of my sex-life I have gone along with the man's pace, the man's actions, and avoided dictating and guiding my own pace. What an empowerment to guide the man into me! To dictate how slowly or how fast, to show him how sensitive I am by bringing his energy into me, sinking him deeper into my energy so that he can really find out WHO I AM! I find there is always more depth once I allow space and give myself permission to say NO to anything that feels forced or pushed, out of tune with me. On the outside this kind of sex may seem like a less explosive/energised sex, as externally less is going on, yet inside our bodies SO MUCH MORE IS GOING ON. And, as this kind of sex is more relaxed and more physically (effort wise) subtle, I have found that sex tends to last much much longer. Going from 30min it will become 45min, an hour, multiple hours... deep, intense sex. This kind of sex becomes much more about unraveling the layers of bullshit that weigh us down physically and psychologically - shame, guilt, abuse, pain, the rage, the pressure - the sex goes so deep that all this has to begin unraveling and be released. That's why the bodies become more relaxed and less hung-up/in need to control. It's so pleasant and healing to have my partner relax so deeply and for this conditioning to fall away. Yes - this kind of approach to sex (life, actually!) can be full-on and intense and sometimes too much to stay with and it's easier often to cum than learn to relax the body and intensity, but I recommend you start getting to know your power deeply, forming a very deep relationship with yourself, as YOU is all you have. Once you are with YOU, the sex enters a much more powerful place.

3) LETTING GO OF MANIPULATION
So back to guiding the man into me; Once I, as woman, bring and guide the man into my TRUE energy, going at my pace, guiding him into my flow, once we meet there it may seem like WOW - I have never let a man in so deep! This requires a very conscious and present awareness - to connect and allow my true energy to flow and align with who I really am instead of who I have been or what I'm used to being. This may take some time. Trust may be needed and time as finding how your energy operates naturally without manipulating it is not always such an easy or immediate thing. This sexual reality is the dropping of manipulation. Instead it is the inhabiting of our power, permission to feel and relax into what we feel instead of escaping it and controlling it. Dropping of the need to alter what is true, deny what is true, hide what is true or avoid what is true.

Sex has become to me about the revealing and diving into my natural power. Sex is aligning myself to my true nature.