17/11/2011 - 21/11/2011
This was my first experience of Barcelona.
This was also an experience of accessing deep deep pain and also deep deep beauty.
These are some captured moments.
This was the building opposite our window.
I had never seen such a beautiful surface of a building before.
Too many buildings i find are focused on internal designs, few on external.
Whilst too many people are focused on their external designs and few on their internal.
This is me feeling happy in Barcelona.
This is me letting down my hair in Barcelona.
This is Jamie in Barcelona.
He looked at me taking down my hair and took a photo.
This is me taking a photo of Jamie.
This is one of the few i have of him.
He takes many more photos of me than i do of him.
This is us feeling silly in Barcelona
This is how we are most of the time.
We don't like to take ourselves too seriously.
We like to play, laugh, have fun.
And time to time we are very serious.
I think an essential part of our relationship is characterized by the diversities that we explore together,
and the eagerness we have to know oneself and the other.
To know who we really are.
It feels like here, in Barcelona, we reached a balance of responsibility and love.
This is us being sincere in Barcelona.
This is how it is.
I am not sure i have any secrets.
I don't think i have ever segregated or kept hidden that which is personal.
In fact, i don't believe that there is a set boundary upon which crossing things become PERSONAL.
I think it's an arbitrary distinction.
The way i experience it is that either I want to be seen or I don't.
Either I want to see or I am too afraid to look.
This blog for me is another attempt and form of looking at who I am,
and it is also about being seen in this process;
in this process of finding myself.
Each of us exist on our own.
The same way a piece of performance needs an audience, a photograph is taken to be seen and a book is written to be read, I have realized that we humans also need to be watched by the other. To be mirrored back to ourselves with who we are.
And this looking and being looked-at feels vulnerable.
Look into the mirror and see how it feels to actually look at that person in the mirror.
Look into your own eyes.
Instead of just looking into the mirror to check if your clothes look alright or if anything is wrong with what you see, just have a long look.
See how it feels to give yourself at least one minute of uninterrupted attention.
And also see how it feels to receive the attention.
Jamie naked in Barcelona watching himself.
If there is anything that i should not do i should probably do it.
If there is anything that i should not post i should probably post it.
This is a very yummy soup we ate on the first day in Barcelona.
It is made out of celery root.
This is how I ate my bread.
This is a dog in Barcelona.
I had a nice connection with this dog.
I felt sad and angry for the violation of a muzzle keeping it's mouth shut.
One gets a dog but then suppresses it to not be a proper dog.
We can't handle the power of some real things therefor we suppress their power and make them less real.
I am not in support of this.
I enjoyed this dog.
I apologize to this dog and to all dogs if by taking a photo of it i was invading or violating it.
Dogs choices are often taken away from them. And this might only be a very subtle example of such case. I guess it's part of the karma of being a dog.
I feel for you dogs.
This is a lane in Barcelona.
I stood and watched people walking in and out of this lane.
I was curious about the character of the lane, the light shining on it and where it goes or rather where it would take me.
After standing and watching it for a while i decided that i want to go in a completely different direction down a much different path.
It is something i have been doing since i have known myself. I would sit in primary school watching everyone else. I would watch them because everything seemed so unfamiliar, so peculiar. Things around me have always seemed rather complex and scattered and hard to understand from very early age. So i taught myself to watch things and make sense of what everyone is doing and where they are going and why.
I am fascinated with light. It just never stops astonishing me. Where ever i go i am curious about the primal dynamics of the light and darkness. I also enjoy placing things upside down and seeing what happens. Sometimes i find more interesting possibilities and realities this way.
Owls kept following us in Barcelona. This is one of them.
I have not much to say about this owl other then i like how it makes this photo interesting.
We took long beautiful walks. Lots of them.
And ate lots of great food.
And on the 2nd day we both suddenly encountered some old old pain and resistance.
It felt so awkward we were ready to run from each other and hide.
It felt like something was breaking open my ribs and pouring freezing cold and boiling hot water all at once into my trunk.
I despised Jamie for about an hour and experienced huge discomfort for another few hours until somehow i reached a place where i could experience the feelings for what they were. Be with them, hearing my body and hearing my breath. At some point it all begun melting and loosening up and the resistance broke apart leaving surrender to movement, tenderness and tears... But oh, how close i was to running away.
It is easy to run away from others. You just stop seeing them. But it never has quite worked for me to escape from myself. Maybe it's because i have been watching so much all my life i find it rather hard to ignore or shut my eyes on what is really going on even on a very subtle level. The prolonged watching has come with an accumulation or rather a development of heightened sensitivity, which i am learning to take care of and not run away from, but instead cherish.
