this is a letter to Jamie, but it is also a letter to every man and woman who walks this human path - who loves, fears, sometimes dares and sometimes attempts to escape.
Jamie, since you and I parted I have been visiting the Void quite frequently. The Void is a place that is full of grief, sorrow, heartbreak and suffering. The Void is where death happens. The Void is where unborn children die, where people refuse to live and where destruction occurs. It's a dark place Jamie and usually dawns on me when the sun begins to set and it gets dark out there. It is then that my body begins to tremble. I know you know this place as you used to enter it quite frequently with your panic attacks. Well you see I have for the first time consciously decided to explore this VOID. It has been part of my life ever since I remember myself, it was there, but I never dared to fully go into it and explore what it is and why it is there? What is the true gift of the Void, what is it's message? Can I be with this Void or do I need to run away? If I make the choice of running away from it it would mean trying to escape myself and that has only ended up hurting myself and others in the past.
I have been running from this void and used relationships, kept men near by as a hindrance to diving into this Void and healing.
In the last few days I have noticed how thinking of you Jamie opens up my heart so wide. Immense love and affection is in there but also lots of pain. And I have wondered why the pain? why is it painful to think about this person? Is it because we have parted and I may never have a partnership with this man again, is it the loss of this I am grieving? But no, this does not feel like the pain of losing you. It feels much deeper. It feels like the pain of having abandoned a part of myself and looking for others to give that which I have not dared give myself. I wanted you to meet me, I wanted to dive into the Void together with you, I wanted you to hold my hand in there and feel what I feel. I wanted to merge. I was missing you. The truth is, I was missing myself. I begun feeling the void and each time I came closer to you, trying to get rescue, each time I got further away from the Void. It's as if as soon as i came closer to wanting your energy the Void would shut down remaining underneath the surface. This made me angry - that this would happen again and again around you. That the more I wanted to merge with you the further away I felt i got to you. I would come to you saying: 'I cannot feel you present.' And you would respond: 'that is your issue, it's your lack.' The more I came to you with this Void the more rejected I felt by you. I now realize that the essence of this Void is one of rejection, abandonment. And the perfection of this is that I needed to play out the rejection with you and you gave it to me again and again. I have felt so rejected by you. My child takes your 'No's' so personally. Each time i came to you with my wounded heart saying: 'I want more,' you would hear: 'I am not enough for her.' And so we danced the dance of rejection with one another. So painfully and yet so beautifully it all played out.
Only now do I realize when i said yesterday: 'I choose you' what I meant was I choose myself. I choose to let go of this suffering and this constant escape of myself. I do not wish anymore to avoid this Void, this void of avoidance! I cannot anymore use you or anyone to push parts of myself away. I want to meet the totality of my soul, even the burdens that it is carrying. I want to meet it all. And at last I understand that the merging I was looking you to fill is a deep seated longing to return home to myself. I apologize for using you for this, for trying to get you to protect me from myself or comfort me as a hindrance. Now it's time to die to all that, I cannot any longer escape myself. it hurts too much. Don't wish to prolong the suffering. Time to let go of that.
To clarify, the Void is how I avoid being rejected by others. The void is how I am rejecting myself. The Void is a manifestation in the soul, like the black holes that are found in the universe this void is just like that, that is full of abandonment of the self, a deep deep longing to reunite with the totality of the self, that is the nature of this Void.
Suddenly the Void has opened up into a beautiful infinite field in front of me. And there is sun pouring onto it! Oh the sun!
Love to you all!
